Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Skim milk cannot penetrate the Haitian.

Day four. Just smoked a cigarette. I got a feeling from it that I haven't had in a long time, which was pure enjoyment. I remember enjoying cigarettes – after you smoke enough of them this stops happening. Jim used to tell me that no matter how much he smoked he still enjoyed every single one, but I never believed him. I think I believe even less now.

I was watching The Daily Show last night and Ralph Nader was on. He was talking about a court case and used the word "Malarkey," which prompted Jon Stewart to wonder is that word would ever be used in a legal situation such as a court setting. We all had a good laugh... and then I got to thinking. I have only ever heard that word used twice: once by Nader in that very interview, and once in Ghostbusters II, when the judge presiding over the boys' case says that he doesn't want to hear a lot of "malarkey about ghosts and goblins." What are the odds that the only two instances in which I hear this word are when someone is wondering if it could ever be used in a court setting, and then during a fictional session of court? Weird.

Also, speaking of television, I saw a commercial last night that prompts me to ask this: How paranoid about her PMS does a woman have to be in order to submit to actively taking a medication called "Yaz"? Think about it.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Predictability Jones

Day... three? Three. Though technically I did smoke half a cigarette last night, but I'm not too bothered about that. Half a cigarette in two days is pretty good. I admit, however, that I am starting to feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit. Last night at work I was forgetting very simple things (including clocking out, which I completely failed to do). Hopefully rationality will make a return shortly. Meanwhile I've gone through more toothpicks than... a restaurant that goes through a lot of toothpicks.

The Coffee Goddess has me completely pegged. Actually I guess pretty much everyone here knows that I want a Haitian Blue Voodoo, but somehow I'm only impressed if it's her that remembers. Probably because I don't think I could get her to talk to me otherwise.

I really want to get to Minneapolis on Monday for Travis' show but I'm almost positive at this point that T. can't cover my two shifts. I wish I had known about the concert date before the March schedule had been made. I'm so overdue for a trip to the Cities it's sick (although maybe some nicer weather would be worth waiting for).

Happy retirement Brett Favre, you chump.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Patch me if you can.

Ah Monday, sweet brutal day two of my sordid plan to quit smoking. I came walking into the Coffee House and when I saw Jessica I asked her if she wanted to see something terrible. Then I lifted up my shirt a bit to reveal the little 14mg nicotine patch I'm wearing.

"You're on the patch?" she asked.

"I'm quitting smoking."

"Oh," she said, and laughed. "I would have thought you were on the birth control patch before I thought nicotine."

Spot on.

The problem with all of this is that despite what your grade school teachers told you, smoking does in fact make you cool. It's sort of sad, but totally true. Now that I'm not smoking (assuming this holds up), I am no longer as cool as I was. In fact, I'm not sure I'm even half as cool. Smoking gives you a reason to be outside talking to people you don't know. It makes you look less like an idiot while you're idly leaning up against a building. It makes conversation easier. It invokes – if used properly – images of James Dean and Paul Newman, adds an air of mystery (pun intended).

I don't want to not be cool anymore. On the other hand, I think I'm already getting more oxygen, and that's not a bad feeling at all. Still, how many of these toothpicks do I really think I'm going to get through?

Moments later, still at the Coffee House, Aaron approaches me and asks if I have a lighter. Any other day I would have removed a red Bic from my pocket without even thinking about it, but today? Today no, I don't have a lighter.